Hands Up
Your heartbeat is slightly elevated, you would not like to admit it to yourself. The professor is still talking, then paused, it is your chance, now. You noticed your anxiety and it made you more anxious, you practice asking the question in your head. Practice it one more time, sounds good. He started talking again. You lost your chance, or so you tell yourself, your heart rate goes back down and no one knows, but you dislike yourself slightly, and you promise yourself to be better next time.
I used to suffer from this, sometimes I would get really uncomfortable asking questions or making comments in lectures, other times I wouldn't, I wouldn't think so much and words would just come out and I would not be able to pinpoint what is different, but most of the times, it was not natural, it was not easy, and there was a bundle of thoughts that were very irrelevant, and inherently insecure that accompanied the thought of asking this question. In those unfortunate times, the act of asking the question itself felt like victory, and not doing it felt like defeat. If you think of this description as dramatic, I am glad for you, it means you haven't experienced this and your mind doesn't have the tendency to overthink this area, pause now and thank god.
I am not using the past tense because that was all in the past, I am using it because it is mostly in the past. I find it a lot easier now, and I've thought about this for a bit.
I was surrounded by people I find smart, and I knew these people, they were my friends, so it was easy to fall into the pitfall of thinking about how intelligent my question is, because, even though I didn't like to admit it* part of my brain would compare me to those people that I spend so much time with every day, which is a downward spiral. I was also surrounded by these professors I liked so much, and I wanted it to be a "good" question, for obvious reasons. I found it easier to be less worried in a place where people do not know me, for example, I am better at presenting to an audience whom I will most likely not interact with again, than presenting in my section class. (eg. Festival presentation VS English class presentation)
This anxiety was because I cared, too much, more than I should, in an unhealthy way, about things I shouldn't care about very much. Nobody would've guessed that except those I shared with. Truth is, nobody cares if your question is stupid or smart, and most likely nobody will remember your questions in the lectures, except you, and if they did it is also highly likely that they don't remember that it's you who asked them. Truly no one cares. You shouldn't care either.
I used to suffer from this, sometimes I would get really uncomfortable asking questions or making comments in lectures, other times I wouldn't, I wouldn't think so much and words would just come out and I would not be able to pinpoint what is different, but most of the times, it was not natural, it was not easy, and there was a bundle of thoughts that were very irrelevant, and inherently insecure that accompanied the thought of asking this question. In those unfortunate times, the act of asking the question itself felt like victory, and not doing it felt like defeat. If you think of this description as dramatic, I am glad for you, it means you haven't experienced this and your mind doesn't have the tendency to overthink this area, pause now and thank god.
I am not using the past tense because that was all in the past, I am using it because it is mostly in the past. I find it a lot easier now, and I've thought about this for a bit.
I was surrounded by people I find smart, and I knew these people, they were my friends, so it was easy to fall into the pitfall of thinking about how intelligent my question is, because, even though I didn't like to admit it* part of my brain would compare me to those people that I spend so much time with every day, which is a downward spiral. I was also surrounded by these professors I liked so much, and I wanted it to be a "good" question, for obvious reasons. I found it easier to be less worried in a place where people do not know me, for example, I am better at presenting to an audience whom I will most likely not interact with again, than presenting in my section class. (eg. Festival presentation VS English class presentation)
This anxiety was because I cared, too much, more than I should, in an unhealthy way, about things I shouldn't care about very much. Nobody would've guessed that except those I shared with. Truth is, nobody cares if your question is stupid or smart, and most likely nobody will remember your questions in the lectures, except you, and if they did it is also highly likely that they don't remember that it's you who asked them. Truly no one cares. You shouldn't care either.
I would not say I am more confident now, in fact, I did not think of my self as unconfident then, but I have internalized the fact mentioned in the previous paragraph more. I care less, and I am trying to care more about things that are constructive like actually learning. Lectures are a lot more fun when you are contributing whenever you feel like it.
I don't know how relatable that is, I know at least a couple of people who would relate, if you are reading this which you probably are, you know yourself, and you helped me a lot, not with this specifically, but with conversations in similar topics too.
If this relates to you too, care less. Now, think of how better it would be to be less confused about that thing you're debating whether or not to ask about.
It is an average lecture, you are not maxing out on paying attention but you'd say you're mentally present. He is talking and talking and you're lost, your brain is about to start debating itself whether you should interrupt the flow or not. He pauses. You raise your hand.
*It is still not the most fun thing to write
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