Resolutions
To be honest with you I am kind of scared of disappointing myself. It feels like it is much easier and in some ways better to refrain from making promises if there is a chance you'll break them, but of course, there is always the chance you'll break them, and I don't think it is a very good reason to not promise.
What promises really are about is trying, it seems to me that it is more about that than achieving what you end up promising, to yourself or to other people. On those terms, we are promising all the time. I make a silent promise with myself everyday to be better, or to just be okay. I don't verbalize it, I don't think of it as a promise, but I'd like to think that I am doing my best to achieve it, which is exactly what I'll do to fulfill all of my verbalized promises, my best.
So I am scared because writing this feels like a promise, I woke up feeling like writing is the thing I want to do first, it is the beginning of my twenty fifth year and I thought I want to make it about resolutions. Resolutions are promises, and those are ones I verbalize and I write down all the time. I am a compulsive list maker and the goals list doesn't escape me. I don't always keep my resolutions, and I haven't entirely gotten over the disappointment that comes with not keeping them. Do I want to deal with that again? Do I want to feel like I am failing the promises to myself, again? It doesn't stop me all year, why would it stop me now? because this is not all year, this is a new year, and even though time is continuous and you can choose any moment to make it feel like a new beginning, you don't. My mind would rather it be January or the twelfth of November or the start of the semester. Beginnings that are predetermined by the world feels different than beginning randomly chosen by you.
That's okay. I think I am willing again to make promises, and although I don't want to break them, although I am rethinking my decision for writing now. If I do break them, I'll be okay, because what I did not break is the promise to have intent, to do and be better, to try.
What promises really are about is trying, it seems to me that it is more about that than achieving what you end up promising, to yourself or to other people. On those terms, we are promising all the time. I make a silent promise with myself everyday to be better, or to just be okay. I don't verbalize it, I don't think of it as a promise, but I'd like to think that I am doing my best to achieve it, which is exactly what I'll do to fulfill all of my verbalized promises, my best.
So I am scared because writing this feels like a promise, I woke up feeling like writing is the thing I want to do first, it is the beginning of my twenty fifth year and I thought I want to make it about resolutions. Resolutions are promises, and those are ones I verbalize and I write down all the time. I am a compulsive list maker and the goals list doesn't escape me. I don't always keep my resolutions, and I haven't entirely gotten over the disappointment that comes with not keeping them. Do I want to deal with that again? Do I want to feel like I am failing the promises to myself, again? It doesn't stop me all year, why would it stop me now? because this is not all year, this is a new year, and even though time is continuous and you can choose any moment to make it feel like a new beginning, you don't. My mind would rather it be January or the twelfth of November or the start of the semester. Beginnings that are predetermined by the world feels different than beginning randomly chosen by you.
That's okay. I think I am willing again to make promises, and although I don't want to break them, although I am rethinking my decision for writing now. If I do break them, I'll be okay, because what I did not break is the promise to have intent, to do and be better, to try.
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